Menander's
Dyskolos
(Grouch)
translated by Vincent J.
Rosivach
Pan [enters from shrine] Think of this place as a
part of Attike —
Phyle, to be exact —
and the Nymphs' shrine I've come from
belongs to the Phylasians and to those who can
farm the rocks here — a famous shrine indeed.
This farmstead — the one here on the right
— 5
Knemon lives there, a man who shuns other men,
grouches at everyone, and dislikes crowds.
— Did I say "crowds"? This
man has lived here
a reasonably long time and has gladly talked in his
life
to no one, has spoken first to no
one
10
except — of necessity, since he is a neighbor
and passes by — me,
Pan. And he immediately regrets it,
I'm sure. Anyhow, with a character like this,
he still got married. His wife was a widow
whose first husband had just
died
15
and left her with a son who was very small then.
He fought with her not only every day all day
but took up the better part of the night as well
and lived miserably. A baby daughter came
along —
even worse. When things were so bad that
nothing
20
more could happen, and his life was bitter, pain
upon pain,
his wife left him and went back to live with her
son,
the one from her first marriage.
He had a little farm, very small, here
next door, where he supports — now not very
well
—
25
his mother, himself, and a single faithful servant
whom he inherited from his father. A fine
young man
the boy is already, with a mind beyond his years:
the experience of troubles hastens maturity.
Now the old man lives all alone with his
daughter
30
and a gray-haired serving woman, carrying wood and
digging, always
working. Beginning with the neighbors here
and his wife all the way down to the people
of Kholargos
he hates, one after another, everyone. The
girl, however,
has turned out rather like her upbringing,
totally
35
unfamiliar with anything mean. And those who
live here with me
— the Nymphs — she reveres and
attentively honors them,
and by so doing she has persuaded us to give some
attention
to her. There's a young man whose very rich
father
owns farms around here worth many
talents.
40
He usually spends his time in the city
but he went hunting with someone
and by chance came to this very spot,
where I possessed him to fall in love.
These are the main points. The
details
45
you will see, if you wish. But do wish,
for I think I see him approaching there
— the man who's in love — together with
his friend,
talking with each other about this very
subject. [exits into shrine]
Kh. [enters with Sostratos from the direction of town]
What are you saying? You saw a free girl here
garlanding the Nymphs next door,
Sostratos,
51
and you immediately came away in love. So.
Immediately. Kh. So fast!
Or had you planned this when you went out, to fall
in love with someone?
So. You're making fun
of me. Khaireas, I'm bad shape.
Kh. Hey, I believe
you. So. That's why I've come here and
brought
55
you along for this enterprise, because I think
you're both a friend
and very enterprising. Kh. For things like
this, Sostratos,
that's what I am. One of my friends brings me
along
when he's in love with an hetaira. Immediately I grab her and take her off,
— get drunk, burn down the door — I
absolutely can't stand
logic.
60
Instead of finding out all about her, just get her:
moving slowly increases love enormously
but moving quickly means ending quickly.
Now someone talks instead about marriage and a free
girl:
I'm someone different there. I inquire about
her
family,
65
finances, character. That way for the rest of
time
I leave my friend a reminder of me and
how I managed these things. So. And very
well,
([aside] but not at all suitably for
me). Kh. And now at least, since I haven't before,
I've got to hear this completely
through. So. Early this
morning
70
I myself sent Pyrrhias, who had gone hunting with
me,
from home — Kh. To
whom? So. To the father himself
of the girl ... to meet him, or the head
of the household, whoever it is. Kh.
Herakles,
what are you saying? So. I made a mistake: a
slave
75
wasn't the right person perhaps for something like
this. But it isn't easy
when you're in love to see the whole picture and
know what's right.
And the delay ... I'm amazed he's been there
for so long.
I told him to come straight home
once he found out about things
here.
80
Py. [enters from the direction of Kn.'s fields] Let
me through, watch out, everybody get out of the way.
He's crazy, the guy who's chasing me,
crazy. So. What's this, boy?
Py. Run away. So.
What is it? Py. Dirt, stones ... thrown at me.
I'm done for. So. Thrown at you?
Where? You're crazy. Py. He isn't still
chasing me? So. By Zeus. Py.
But I thought he was. So. What
85
are you saying? Py. Let's get out of
here, I'm begging you. So. Where?
Py. From the door
here, as far as possible.
A son of distress, either he's been driven mad by
some god
or he's naturally crazy, the man who lives
in that house, the one you send me
to.
90
Damn! My toes, I've shattered
nearly all of them banging into things.
(So. [aside
to Khaireas] He's come here and gotten drunk.
Kh. Clearly.) Py.
By Zeus, I'd rather be completely wiped out,
Sostratos, and destroyed. Keep up your
guard.
95
— I can't speak. I'm out of
breath — OK, I knocked on the door of
the house
and said I was looking for the head of the
house. Someone came out to me,
a miserable old woman, right here where I'm
standing now
talking to you. She pointed him out to me on
the crest of the
ridge
100
there, going around collecting his damned pears
— or a lot of
trouble for himself. Kh. How angrily!
Why, my good man? Py. I entered his land,
proceeded towards him, and very much
from a distance — wishing to be very
friendly
105
and tactful — I spoke to him and
"I've come to you, father, about
something," I say, "to see you about something,
to propose a piece of business in your
interest." Right away
"Damn you," he says, "On my land?
You have come on my land? What's the
idea?" He picks up a lump of
dirt, 110
throws it right in my face.
Kh. Damn him. Py.
And while I was saying "But Poseidon damn you"
I shut my eyes and he grabbed some stake or
something again.
He cleaned my clock with it over and over, saying
"What business do you and I
have? Don't you know the public
road?",
115
screeching as loud as he could. Kh.
He's completely crazy,
that farmer you're describing. Py. The
ending: So I'm running away
and he's chased me for maybe fifteen stadia,
first around the ridge, then down this way
to this clump of trees, slinging lumps of dirt,
stones,
120
the pears when he didn't have anything else.
Wild business totally, damned
old man. I'm begging you, get out of
here. So. You're talking cowardice.
Py. You don't know
what kind of trouble there is here. He’ll eat
124
us up. Kh. Perhaps maybe this
person happens to be somewhat distressed now. For that reason I think
it's best to postpone
approaching him, Sostratos. Rest assured,
for every piece of business the most businesslike
thing is
to choose the right moment. Py. You two,
please have some sense. Kh. It's a very bitter thing
a poor farmer is, not just this
one
130
but nearly all. But tomorrow when it's
light
I'll go to him myself alone, since now I know
the house. And now you go home
yourself and pass the time there. This will
turn out alright. [exits toward city]
Py. Let's do as he
says. So. He's glad to have found an
excuse.
135
It was immediately clear that he wasn't happy
walking with me, and that he didn't approve at all
of my marriage attempt. But you, wicked you,
I hope that all the gods destroy you.
Py. What did I do
wrong,
Sostratos?
140
So. Clearly you were
doing some damage to his farm,
stealing something. Py. me stealing?
So. But someone was thrashing you
when you weren't doing anything wrong? Py.
And this man's here
himself. I'm out of here, sir. You talk
to him. [exits toward city]
So. I wouldn't be
able. I'm always
unconvincing
145
in conversation. What sort of thing to say?
His look doesn't seem totally friendly to me,
by Zeus. How serious he is! I'll move
away
from the door. It's better. But he's
even shouting
while he's walking by himself. He doesn't
look sane to
me.
150
By Apollo and the gods, of course I'm afraid
of him: why not tell the truth?
Kn. [enters from the direction of his fields] Then
wasn't that Perseus blessed in
two
ways, that he grew wings
and avoided everyone walking on the
ground,
155
then that he possessed such a fine possession with
which
he turned to stone everyone who annoyed him?
I wish
I could get that for myself now, because nothing
would be more abundant
than stone statues everywhere.
Now life is unlivable, by
Asklepios.
160
They talk and come on my land
now. Alongside the road, by Zeus,
that's where I usually waste my time, I
suppose! Why, I don't even work
that part of the farm: I've run away
because of the passers-by. But up to the
ridges up
there
165
they chase after me now. Oh the overpopulous
crowd!
Aargh! Once again someone is standing over
there
by our door. (So. [aside] Will he hit me?)
Kn. It's impossible to
find a place to be alone anywhere,
not even if it happens you want to hang
yourself.
170
So. ([aside]
Is he angry at me?) I'm waiting around, father, for someone
here. We made an appointment. Kn.
Didn't I say it?
Have you people made up your mind this is a stoa or the shrine of Leos?
In front of my house, if you want to see someone,
that's where you arrange to meet! Absolutely,
175
and build a seat, if you have any sense,
or better yet a bunch of them for your
meetings. Poor me!
Getting in other people's ways, that's the trouble,
it seems to me. [exits into his house]
So. Not ordinary
effort, it seems to me,
is what this business needs, but something more
intense.
180
It's clear. Shall I go then
To Getas, my father's slave? By the gods,
I will. He's got something fiery about him,
and he's experienced in all kinds of business.
He'll push all that man's grouchiness away, I know
it.
185
As for letting this business lie for a while,
I reject the idea. Many things could happen
in a single day.
But I hear someone at the door.
Gi. [enters from Knemon's house] Oh, poor me, what
troubles I've got!
What will I do now? My nanny was pulling up the
bucket
190
and she let it fall into the well. (So.
[aside]
O Zeus Father
and Healer Phoibos, o dear Dioskoroi,
Such irresistible beauty!) Gi. He ordered me to get some warm
water ready,
daddy did, when he was going out. (So.
[addressing audience] Men, what a marvel!)
Gi. If he finds out
about this,
he'll
195
beat her to death. No time for wasted words.
Dearest Nymphs, I've got to take the water from
you.
I'm embarrassed, if there are people sacrificing
inside, to trouble ... So. But if you will
give it to me,
I will dip the vessel in the water for you and come
back with it
immediately. 200
Gi. Yes, by the gods:
hurry. (So. [aside]
Quite ladylike
for a country girl. O much-honored gods,
which of the spirits would save me now? [exits into shrine]) Gi. Poor me,
Who made that noise? Is daddy coming?
Then I'll get a beating if he catches
me
205
outside. Da. [enters from Gorgias' house, speaking back into house]
I've spent a long time doing chores for you
here while he's digging by himself. I've got
to go
to him. Oh you most miserable thing,
Poverty, why have we found you as much as we have?
Why for so long like this do you
continually
210
sit inside and live with us? So.
[enters from shrine] Take
this. Gi. Bring it
here. Da. What ever does this
person want? So. Farewell. [the girl exits into Knemon's house]
Oh, damn it. Stop whining, Sostratos:
it'll be OK. Da. OK? what will be
OK? So. Don't be
afraid,
215
but what you were going to do just now — get
Getas
and come back with him once you've told him
everything clearly. [exits towards Kallippides'
house]
Da. What ever is this
trouble? I don't like at all
this business. A young man doing chores
for a girl: bad. But damned you,
Knemon,
220
I hope all the gods destroy you.
An innocent girl and you leave her alone by
herself,
provide no protection as you should have.
When he found this out, maybe
this man sneaked up, thinking it
some
225
lucky find. Surely not, but I'd better
tell her brother as quick as I can about this, so
we can watch out for the girl.
I think I'll go and do it now.
I see these worshippers of Pan
coming
230
here to this place. They look a little drunk:
it's not the time, I think, to bother them. [exits toward Gorgias' farm]
CHORAL SONG
Go. [enters with Daos] Just like
that, like something unimportant ... tell me, this business,
you handled it so lightly? Da. How? Go. By Zeus, you
should
have seen the man approaching the girl, Daos, whoever he
was,
235
then, immediately, and told him how that's one thing in the future
no one will ever see him
do again. Now, just like it was someone else's
business, you stood back. It's not possible, I suppose, to escape
blood ties, Daos. My sister still
matters
240
to me. Her father wants to be a stranger
as far as we're concerned: his grouchiness is something
we shouldn't imitate, for if she should fall into something shameful
the disgrace would also become mine:
someone from outside doesn't know who's
responsible
245
but he does know what happened.
Let's knock. Da. Sir ... the old man, Gorgias,
I'm afraid of him. If he catches me going toward his door
he'll hang me right away. Go. He's hard to handle, I suppose,
fighting when he doesn't have to. I don't know either
how
250
someone would force him to the better
or change his mind with advice.
But as for forcing him he's got the law firmly with him,
and as for persuading him, he's got his personality.
Da. Hold on a second: we haven't come in
vain.
255
But just as I said, he's turned around and he's coming back again.
Go. The man with the expensive cloak? Is this the one you mean?
Da. Exactly. Go. Someone who's up to no good: you can see
immediately from his expression.
So. [enters on stage] I didn't
catch Getas at home.
Mother is going to sacrifice to some god
—
260
I don't know which — she does this everyday,
she goes around the district in a circle sacrificing ...
the whole district — she sent him off
to hire a cook from around here. I've passed
on the sacrifice and come back to things
here.
265
And I think I'll put aside all this strolling about
and speak myself on my own behalf. But I'll knock on the door
so I can't stop and think about it any more.
Go. Young man, would you wish to abide
a rather serious word from me? So. And quite happily.
Speak.
270
Go. I myself think that there is for all men,
both those who are prospering and those doing badly,
some sort of limit to this and some change:
and for the one who is prospering that thus far
the things of life remain on the right
track
275
for however much time he is able to bear his good luck
and does nothing bad. But whenever he comes to this,
led on by his goods, there, I suppose,
he gets a change for the worse;
but for those who are needy, if they do nothing
bad
280
while they are poor but nobly bear
their luck and come to some trust in the course of time,
they expect there will be some better share.
What then am I saying? Do not yourself, if you are very rich,
trust in this, and as for beggars like us,
again
285
don't look down on us, but to the people who see you
always show yourself worthy of continuing prosperity.
So. Do I seem to you to be doing something out of place?
Go. You seem to me to have set your heart on a base deed,
thinking you would persuade a young girl to go
astray,
290
— a free girl — or watching for some suitable moment
you would do something worthy of many deaths.
So. Apollo! Go. It is not right at least
that your leisure become trouble
for us who have no leisure. And of all things, know
that
295
a beggar who has been wronged is the most irritable thing.
First of all he is an object of pity, then he takes
the things he has suffered not as injustice but as arrogance.
So. Young man, bless you: listen to me a bit —
Da. Bravo, master!
Many
300
blessings! So. — and you, the one who speaks before knowing.
I saw a girl here. I am in love with her.
If you call this an injustice, perhaps I have done something unjust.
For what might someone say? Except that I come here
not to her, but I wish to see
her
305
father. For I, being free,
having a sufficient income, I am ready to take
her as my bride without a dowry, and I add a pledge to spend the rest of my
life
loving her. But if I have come here with a view to evil
or wishing to plan some harm against you and your family
secretly
310
let Pan here, young man, and the Nymphs with him
strike me senseless right here next to the house
now. I am troubled, you can be sure,
extremely troubled, if this is the kind of person I seem to you.
Go. But if I perhaps spoke myself more strongly than I should
have,
315
don't let it upset you any longer,
for you've changed my mind about these things and you have me as a friend.
It is not as an outsider but as the girl's brother
from the same mother, sir, that I say these things to you.
So. And you will be useful, by Zeus, in the future to
me.
320
Go. Useful? How? So. I see you are generous by
nature.
Go. I don't want to send you off with an empty excuse,
but to make clear how things are. She has a father
like no human has ever been, neither in the past
nor in our days. So. The difficult one
—
325
I know what you mean. Go. This trouble goes too far.
He owns this farm here, worth may-be two talents.
He keeps farming it himself
by himself, with no one to work with him,
not a servant from the house, not a hired man from the neighborhood,
330
not a neighbor, but himself by himself.
The sweetest thing for him is to see no human being.
While he's working he keeps the girl with him
mostly; he talks only to her,
which he wouldn't do easily to anyone
else.
335
Then he says he will give her in marriage — when
he finds a son-in-law with the same character he has. So.
You mean,
never. Go. Don't give yourself troubles, sir,
for you'll have them in vain. Let us, his kin,
bear these things since luck has given them to
us.
340
So. By the gods, have you never fallen in love with someone,
young man. Go. It's not possible for me, sir. So.
How so?
Who's stopping you? Go. The
calculation of my present troubles,
which doesn't give me a break — none
whatsoever.
So. You don't seem to have. At
least you talk like someone rather inexperienced 345
about these things. You tell me to stand aside:
to do so is no longer up to me, but to god. Go. And so
you do us no wrong, but you are suffering troubles in vain.
So. Not if I should get the girl. Go. You wouldn't
get her.
Well then, follow along together with
me
350
and stand next to me. He works the glen
next to us. So. Why? Go. I will put in a word
about the girl's marriage, something like this
I'd gladly see happen myself.
He immediately fights against everybody, scolding
them
355
for the lives they lead. If he catches sight of you at your
leisure like some pampered child he won't put up with even seeing you.
So. Is he there now? Go.
By Zeus, rather in a little while
he'll go out by his usual way. So. Sir, the girl,
are you saying he'll bring her with him? Go. However
it
360
happens. So. Walk — I'm ready — to where you
say.
But I beg you, help me in the struggle. Go. In what way?
So. In what way? Let's proceed to where you say he is.
Da. What then?
While we're working are you going to stand next to us with your
fine cloak? So. Why ever not? Da. He will throw
those clumps of dirt
365
immediately at you and he'll call you a lazy pest. But you've got to
dig with us. For if he should happen to see this,
perhaps he'd tolerate some word even from you
because he thought you were a working farmer, by your way of life
a poor man. So. I am ready to obey all commands. Go
ahead.
370
Go. Why do you force yourself to suffer? (Da. [aside] I hope
we work as much as possible today
and this guy throws out his back
and stops bothering us and coming here.)
So. Bring out a mattock. Da. Take this one from me and go
on.
375
I'll work on building the stone fence for a while
myself. That too has to be done. So. Give it to me.
You've saved me. Da. I'm on my way, lad. Follow me there. [exits toward Gorgias' farm]
So. So it is for me: I must all but die now
or have the girl and live. Go. If in fact you are
saying
380
what you're thinking, I hope you get it. [exits
toward his farm] So. O much-honored gods!
The arguments which you use to turn me away, as you think, my friend,
have made me twice as sharp for this business.
For if the girl has not been raised among women
and knows nothing of the bad
things
385
in this life, and hasn't been frightened by some aunt
or grandmother, but has grown up somewhat as a lady would,
with a fierce father whose character is to hate evil,
how would getting this woman not be a blessing?
But this mattock weighs four
talents:
390
it will kill me first. All the same, no softening
once I've gotten down to working at this business. [exits
toward Gorgias' farm]
Sik. [enters from the opposite direction] This sheep
is not an everyday beauty.
([to sheep]
Go to hell!) If I lift it and carry it
up high, it holds on to an olive shoot with its
mouth,
395
it eats the fig leaves, it violently twists away.
If you let it loose on the ground it won't move
along.
So the opposite has happened to what you'd
expect. I,
the cook, have been made mincemeat by this sheep,
dragging it along the road.
But luckily this is the Nymphs'
shrine
400
where we will sacrifice. Hail Pan.
Getas boy,
left so far behind? Ge. [enters
on stage] Four
mules' worth, that's the cargo these damned, damned
women tied on me
to carry.
Sik. There’s some large crowd coming,
it would seem. It's indescribable how
many
rugs
405
you're carrying. Ge. What do I do
now? Sik. Lean those things here. Ge. There!
If she sees Pan in a dream, the one
in Paiania,
we'll immediately walk there, I'm sure,
to sacrifice to him. Sik. Who has seen a dream?
Ge. Man, don't wear me
out. Sik. All the same, speak,
Getas.
410
Ge. The woman who owns
me. Sik. What, by the
gods?
Ge. You'll kill
me. She thought Pan — Sik. You're talking about
this one?
Ge. This one — Sik.
Was doing what? Ge. For the young master Sostratos —
Sik. An elegant young man
too — Ge. that Pan was hammering fetters around his
feet.
Sik. Apollo! Ge.
Then he gave him a leather jacket
and 415
a mattock and ordered him to dig on the farm next
door.
Sik. Strange. Ge.
But we are sacrificing
because of this, that it will turn out better than
she fears.
Sik. I
understand. Lift this up again now and carry it
inside. Let's get some reclining places
prepared
inside
420
and get everything else ready. Nothing should
hinder their
sacrificing when they come. But good luck to
them.
And relax those eyebrows, you triply miserable man.
I'll fatten you the way you like today.
Ge. I've always been a
fan of you and your craft
425
— but I still don't trust you at all. [they exit into the shrine]
CHORAL SONG
Kn. [enters from his house] Old woman, lock the
door and don't open it for anyone
until I myself come back here again.
That will be when it's completely dark, I
imagine.
Mo. [enters with retinue from the direction of Kallippides'
house] Plangon, move more quickly. 430
We should have finished sacrificing by
now. Kn. What does this trouble mean?
Some crowd. Go to hell! Mo.
Play your pipes, Parthenis,
Pan's song. This god, they say,
should not be approached in silence. Ge.
[enters from shrine] By Zeus, you're
all safe.
Kn. Herakles, how
disgusting! Ge. We've been
sitting
435
for so long, waiting around. Mo. Is
everything
ready for us? Ge. By Zeus!
The sheep at any rate — it's almost dead, the
poor thing —
it isn't waiting your leisure. But go
inside.
The baskets, have them handy ... wash basins, thulemata. 440
Ge. What are you
gaping at, you thunderstruck fool? [all but
Knemon exit into the shrine]
Kn. Damned you, damned
you. They
keep me from working because I can't leave the
house alone.
The Nymphs are trouble for me
continually since they live next door, so that I
think
I'll
445
build a new house and tear this one down
to get away from here. The way these thieves
sacrifice:
they bring food boxes, jugs of wine ... not for the
gods
but for themselves. Incense is pious,
so is a flat cake. This the god takes
—
450
all of it — when it is put on the fire.
But these people, they put the tailbone
and the gallbladder on the fire — since they
are inedible — for the gods,
and they gobble down the rest themselves. Old
woman,
quickly open the door. We should do
the inside work, I think. [exits into his house]
455
Ge. [enters, speaking back into the shrine] The
pot, you say, you forgot. Are you people complete
drunks sleeping off a hangover? And what will
we do now?
I'll have to bother the god's neighbors,
it seems. [knocks
on Knemon's door] Boy! [to
himself] By the gods,
I don't think there's a more pathetic bunch of
little servant
girls
460
being raised anywhere. They don't know how to
do anything except
screw around — [knocks
again] Nice boys! —
[to himself]
and tell tales if someone sees. [knocks
again] Little boy!
[to himself]
What the hell is this? [knocks again]
Boy! [to himself] There isn't a
single person
inside. Uh-oh. It